Jokes

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

"What's his name?" asks the barman.

"Tiny", replies the man.

"Why do you call him that?"

"Because he's my newt"

Q. How did the castrated glow worm feel?

A. Highly de-lighted

Definition of macho:

Jogging home from your vasectomy.

What do you call an Irishman with an I.Q. of 176?

A village

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain't gonna be no ordinary blow job.

Where is an elephants sex organ?

In his feet! Because if it steps on you your F*****!

Why is it hip to be a Test-tube baby?

Because you get a womb with a view.

How do you get a Kleenex to dance?

Blow a little boogie into it!

Whats the difference between an Essex girl, and a supermarket trolley?

A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

F**K

Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today is the word 'F**K'. It is the magical word which just by its sound can describe pain, pleasue, hate and love.

'F**K' takes its name from the German word 'FRIKEN' which means to 'STRIKE'

We've made it fall into many grammatical categories; it can be used as a verb; both transitive (John f**ked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was f**ked by John). As a noun (Mary is a fine f**k), as an adverb (Mary is f**king well interested in John). Also, as an adjective (Mary is f**king beautiful). As you can see there are not many words with the same versatility as the word 'F**K'.

Besides the sexual meaning, there are also the following:

• PRIDE - I got f**ked at the used car lot
• IGNORANCE - F**ked if I know
• TROUBLE - I guess I'm f**ked now
• AGGRESSION - F**k you!
• DIFFICULTY - I can't understand this f**king mess
• DISPLEASURE - What the f**k is going on here
• SUSPICION - What the f**k are you doing?
• ENJOYMENT - This is f**king great
• REQUEST - Get the f**k out of here
• HOSTILITY - I'm going to knock you f**king head off
• SURPRISE - Well I'll be f**ked
• IMPATIENCE - For f**k sake
• INCOMPETENCE - What a f**k up

I know you can think of many more uses, but with all these how can anyone be offended when you say 'F**K'? We can use this word more often in our daily speech. It adds to your prestige - say it loud and clear - 'F**K YOU'!!!!

The following are actual statements found on real insurance documents where car drivers attempted to summarise the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.

• Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have
• The other car collided with me giving no warning of its intention
• I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my head through it
• I collided with a stationary truck coming in the other direction
• A truck backed through my windshield and into my wifes face
• A pedestrian hit me and went under the car
• The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times to hit him
• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment
• In an attempt to kill a fly. I drove into a telephone pole
• I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car
• I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep behind the wheel and had an accident
• I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have a accident
• As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident
• To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I hit the pedestrian
• My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle
• An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished
• I told police I was not injured but on removing my hat discovered I had a fractured skull
• I was sure the old fellow would not make it across the road when I struck him
• I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off my car
• The indirect cause of the accidient was a little git with a small car and a big mouth
• I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some cow

What do you call a lovely girl in Poland?

A tourist

From where do you get virgin wool?

Ugly sheep

An English man walks into a pub and asks a drunk Scotsman to spell Clitoris.

The Scotsman replies: Oh God, I can't remember, but it was on the tip of my tougne last night

What do you call a ginger cow with five tits?

Take that and Lulu

What do you call an aardvark that loses all his fights?

Vark

What do you call an aardvark that wins all his fights?

Very Ard Vark

What do you get is you cross a Rottwieler with a Labrador?

A dog that scares the shit out of you and then runs off with the toilet roll

While Arabs watch their stocks by night

All seated round their well

The oil-men of the Western World

Came begging them to sell

So pump it up, this liquid gold

That lies beneath your land

And then you'll all eat Caviar

Not camel shit and sand

If our requests you do refuse

With more cuts ment to warn us

May all your balls grow roughly square

And fester at the corners

So take alarm, as you salaam

And bow your heads to Mecca

For we've devised a fearsome thing

A guided arse-hole wrecker

If knowing this you still decline

To take down all the shutters

We'll arm the Jews with atom bombs

And rusty fore-skin cutters

Whats the difference between a sheep and a skoda?

Its more embarrassing geting out of a sheep

Paddy and Murphy were walking along a road, when Murphy saw a sign saying: 'Tree Fellers Wanted'. Murphy then turns to Paddy and says "If Mick had been with us we could have got a job!!!"

Thought for the day:

Why is there only one monopolies commision

How do students keep warm during the daytime?

They put another blanket on the bed

Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for four years, when he was suddenly hit by pangs of conscience. It tortured him so much that he decided to tell the priest about it in confession.

The pries was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown, "Well, tell me, was the pig a male or a female?"

"A female, of course," said Farmer Brown. "What do you think I am - some sort of queer?"

ERNIE

You can hear his knackers pound,

As he raced across the ground,

And the clatter of his prick,

As it swung round and round,

As he galloped into Market Street,

He had no pants nor vest,

His name was Ernie, and he had,

The biggest chopper in the West.

Now Ernie, f**ked a widow,

A lady known as Sue,

She said 'I'd like to try it'

He said 'I bet you do'

They said it was too big for her,

As she was small and trim

But Ernie thrust his chopper,

Up her dripping quim.

Now Ernie had a rival,

An evil f**king man,

Called 'One ball Ted' from Teddington

Who drove the Durex Van.

He tempted her with feather light,

Till he got his end away,

And all Ernie had to offer,

Was his oats three times a day.

One day Ted saw Ernie's carst,

Parked outside Sue's door,

It drove him mad to find the twat,

Still there at half past four.

Poor Ted he could not stand it

It made the B**tard sick

So he smashed all Ernies windows

With a great big f**king brick

So Ernie ran outside,

With his eyes fixed on the brick,

They stood there face to face

And Ted went for his prick.

But Ernie was too fast for him,

Things didn't go the way Ted planned,

A hairy sweaty bollock

Sent it spinning from his hand.

Sue she ran between them,

And tried to keep them apart,

But Ernie said 'F**K OFF'

You silly looking tart,

Then Sue she looked accross at him,

His eyed all filled with lust,

When a size ten spunk ball made him fall

And Ernie hit the dust.

Ernie was only 22,

He didn't want to die,

But now he's f**king women,

In a brothel in the sky,

Were ladies are all naughty,

And the pricks are big and grand

And the women feel unlucky,

If thrice daily they're not banged.

But a women needs are many fold,

So Sue, she slept with Ted,

But strage things happened on

their wedding night

As she f**ked in bed,

Was that the trees a rustling?

Or maybe even more -

Like Ernies ghostly chopper

A bangin' on their door.

Are you unhappy?

Once up on a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost totally frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end but the manure warmed him up enough to defrost his wings. Warm, happy and able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated.

The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:

1. Everybody who shits on you is not necessarily you enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not neccessarily your friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

Why are chickens so ugly looking?

You'd be ugly too if you had a pecker hanging from your forehead

3 men of the Church deciding what to do with the profits of a joint service:

Vicar: We draw a circle on the ground, throw the money into the air, and what lands in the circle we give to God and what doesn' we keep.

Priest: We draw a circle on the ground, throw the money into the air, and what lands outside the circle we give to God and what lands inside the cirlce we keep.

Rabbi: Draw a circle on the ground, throw the money in the air and what God wants he'll keep!!!